What a hiatus…!
So the real reason that I’ve avoided blogging lately is because I’ve been feeling guilty. For weeks, I’ve been telling myself that my quest for escape is somehow wrong, that wanting more out of life is only a reflection of how greedy and insatiable I really am.
I trace the guilt back to two sources: my slippery grasp on pop Buddhism, and my obsession with Thanksgiving. Together, the two have made me completely neurotic in the last month.
Pema Chodron is this Buddhist monk who writes very accessible books about Buddhist philosophy, and (probably just to be ironic), I recently picked up The Wisdom of No Escape. The flap copy tells me to “accept the delightful and painful situation of ‘no exit’”–to play the hand I’m dealt rather than reaching for something better. But of course, the quest for something better is my whole mission right now.
I’ve been paralyzed by this idea. I haven’t been able do anything, from applying to grad school to pitching my manuscript. A little voice keeps telling me that I need to … I dunno, embrace my life as an undervalued marketing drone living in an insanely expensive and soul-less city. Jesus, but does that sound right? Why just accept the things you can change?
On top of all this, last week was Thanksgiving—the one time of year we should be able to pull it together and count our blessings. Usually, this kind of thing is my forte. When I was in high school, I literally kept a list of moments to be grateful for.
A bizarre sampling, circa 1992:
· Waiting for the Baptist bus in my pink sheath dress with Jennifer in her teal one, and then the great potluck after church.
· Looking hot and sweaty in the bleachers, until the landscaper asked me and Sara and Cheryl if we wanted to play in the sprinklers.
· Skimming my feet over the tops of puddles, then a game of impromptu crabapple soccer.
Ahhh … a simpler time. I don’t even know if I could make this kind of list today.
I know this: When I think for a moment about … oh, dying masses in Uganda or soldiers and civilians in Iraq, suddenly the quest to fill my own creative void seems pretty insignificant. I don’t want to be a navel-gazing artist any more than I want to be an office drone.
Surely there is a way for me to cultivate gratitude and acceptance while feeding my deepest desires. My next step is to start a new page here, called Visions. It will detail my unabashed wants, and I will do my damnedest to exorcise the mad, ridiculous, useless guilt that’s been plaguing me lately.
The Wisdom of No Escape actually said something kind of great. It made me feel better for having this whole wrestling match inside my head.
For a fully enlightened being, the difference between what is neurosis and what is wisdom is very hard to perceive, because somehow the energy underlying both of them is the same.
–Pema Chodron, The Wisdom of No Escape
